Total pages in book: 153
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
Tally is shrouded in sadness. “You had to do all of it alone, without support. All of these years. That’s so heavy to hold on your own. Why not tell your family? Why keep it from everyone?”
“I just wanted to bury it.” I felt like a fucking idiot for not seeing it. The woman I gave my heart to hadn’t seen any value in me as a person. It shattered me. “I didn’t want to spend my entire hockey career living it down. But then I made it so much worse.” I sigh, and force myself to continue. “After the divorce, I didn’t trust my instincts, and I didn’t trust women to want me for anything other than my fame and money. I didn’t want to hurt, so I drowned myself in pleasure, and I splashed it all over the internet as a fuck-you to Fiona. I wanted her to believe I’d moved on, and she didn’t matter.”
“You were in a lot of pain.”
“So much. I didn’t ever want to hurt like that again.” I let my eyes fall closed and bring Tally’s hand to my cheek, pressing it to my skin. “I have so much baggage and so many scars, Tally.” What if all my unhealed wounds infect her, too? What if I’m intrinsically flawed? “I didn’t want you to see the same things in me.”
Tears track down her cheeks. I hate that I’m responsible for making her feel this way again. “You didn’t protect either of us by keeping this secret from me. I know this hurts you, but it hurts me too. I need you to keep letting me in. How would you feel if I always told you what you wanted to hear? If I said everything was fine, but really it wasn’t?”
“Not good.”
“Exactly. You can’t ask me to share myself and not do the same. There’s no balance in that. How can we be partners if you hide your feelings from me?”
She’s right about all of it. I have been protecting myself, hiding feelings behind fear. Telling her everything is fine so she doesn’t worry. But if I’m not vulnerable with her, how can I ask her to do the same? “I didn’t want to give you a reason to leave me.”
Her sadness makes my chest ache. “Sharing your painful secrets won’t make me leave, Phillip.” She skims the edge of my jaw with gentle fingers. “But keeping me in the dark, placating me, not showing me all of you unbalances us.”
“I get it. I see it. I’m so sorry.” I kiss the palm of her hand. “Please stay tonight.” It’s a selfish request. She probably needs time to process, but I’m terrified if I let her go, she’ll have time to think it through and decide she’s done with me.
“Phillip.” Her eyes slide closed.
“I know you’re hurt and upset. I know I’ve fucked up.” I love you, don’t leave me. “Please keep me,” I whisper.
A tear tracks down her cheek as her eyes flutter open and search mine. She kisses the edge of my mouth. “I’ll stay.”
CHAPTER 49
TALLY
I’m beyond exhausted the following morning when Phillip drops me off at the dance studio. I’m emotionally wrung out. I don’t want to break up with him, but now that I see the pattern, I can’t unsee it. I don’t want to end up like my parents. I don’t want Phillip to think he has to be the perfect boyfriend every moment of every day. I want him to feel as safe with me as I feel with him.
What if he never does?
What if we love each other but he can’t be vulnerable with me the way I need him to?
What if we get married and have a family, and it all falls apart?
What if what if what if.
“You going to be okay today?” He has dark circles under his eyes.
“Yeah. I’ll manage. Go easy on yourself.” No one else will, and I worry about that, too.
“You’ll stay off social media?” His jaw works.
“I will. You should let Hemi handle things.”
“Yeah.” He nods woodenly and sighs. “I’m sorry.”
I settle my hand on his cheek and force him to look at me. “Just because we are not okay right now doesn’t mean we won’t be.”
“You’ll have time to think,” he whispers.
“So will you.” It’s all too heavy. Like we can’t get out from under Phillip’s past. Maybe because he’s never truly dealt with it. “We will be okay. It will just take time.”
He nods, eyes still weighed down with sadness and exhaustion. “I know.”
“I have to go.” He’s clinging to my hand like it’s a lifeline. “And you need to talk to Tristan and your sister.” It will be a hard morning for both of us. After dance, I have to talk to Fee, Cammie, and Enid, and then my mom is coming over. At least I’ve already dealt with my dad. He tried to rein his temper in, but my tears and his inability to console me made him angry.