Total pages in book: 153
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
“Can I kiss you?” he asks softly, expression forlorn.
Despite spending last night in his arms, the only kisses were the ones on the back of my neck when he curved his body around mine. “You can.”
He slides his hand into my hair, fingers shaking as he leans in and presses his lips gently to mine. He makes a pained sound, and despite the conflict and fear raging inside me, I tilt my head and part my lips. This part is easy with him. We can always fall back on the chemistry. Avoid difficult topics by succumbing to desire. Ironic that he wanted all the connection but couldn’t give himself over the way he wanted me to.
He strokes inside, fingers tightening in my hair as he deepens the kiss. It turns from tentative to desperate in a matter of seconds. I want to get lost in this, but I can’t. I have responsibilities and so does he. So I pull back. He tries to bring me back to him, but I touch the back of his hand.
“I have to go and so do you.”
He presses his forehead to mine, releases a shaky exhale. “Okay. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay.” I extricate myself from his hands, grab my backpack from the floor, and exit the car.
Charles and Arya are already in the studio warming up when I arrive.
“Are you okay?” Charles asks.
“I’m fine.” I do not have time for an emotional breakdown.
“I would feel better if you’re not actually okay,” Arya says.
That’s enough to turn on the eyeball faucet. They wrap me in a hug from both sides. We might not spend a lot of time together outside of the studio, but we’ve been dancing together for four years, and we share a strong bond. They don’t ask me to explain, or dig for information, they just let me get my feelings out until I’m ready to put them aside and dance.
Rehearsal isn’t smooth, but it is a good and necessary distraction. Afterward, I return to my apartment, grateful for the plain black ball cap and hoodie that help make me less identifiable. Exams are on the horizon. I need to study and stay focused.
Fee, Enid, and Cammie meet me at the door and fold me into another group hug.
“This semester has been a roller coaster ride for you,” Fee says.
“That’s the truth,” I agree. The ups and downs have been legendary.
“Are you okay? Are you and Flip okay?” Cammie asks.
“Not really.” I understand Phillip’s motivations now, and why his past has kept such a tight hold on him all these years. To have the person he loved reduce him to an object would be heart shattering. But my own hurt and fears won’t disappear. Now we both need to do triage with our loved ones, again. He has to explain this to his friends and his entire family. He’s kept this to himself for a decade. Now it’s out in the world and he has no choice but to deal with it.
Fee wrings her hands and glances at Cammie.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Enid asks gently.
“Yeah.” I need an impartial sounding board, people who won’t be hurt because they didn’t know about my boyfriend’s secret ex-wife.
We convene in the living room with bottles of Vitamin Water, and I tell them the parts of the story that feel okay to share. Not the personal, private stuff, just the basics.
“Oh wow, I can’t believe only Dred knew,” Cammie says.
“It’s a big secret,” Fee agrees.
“It’s why he did that I’m having the hardest time with.” I explain the realization I came to. “He’s thoughtful, kind, attentive, we have amazing chemistry, but he wants me to be completely honest and vulnerable with him, and he won’t do the same.” I dash tears away. “I can get over the fact that he was married, but I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering if he’s just telling me things are fine because he’s too scared to be honest about his feelings.” I let my head fall back. “I know my parents’ divorce is making this worse.”
“I’m so sorry,” Cammie says softly.
“You’re carrying a lot right now,” Fee murmurs.
“It’s reasonable that you’re overwhelmed,” Enid agrees.
“I just need a break from the noise. The media always being in our faces doesn’t help.” The tears are free flowing today and they’re exhausting.
My friends pull me in for another group hug.
“I don’t even really have time to fall apart. Exams are almost here. Everything is changing and I’m terrified I’ll fuck it all up because all my feelings are made of lava.”
“Deep breaths.” Fee inhales with me.
“Do you think he can learn how to be open with you about how he feels now that he knows it’s a problem?” Cammie asks.
“Last night he was but only because he was forced to be.” I can’t get out from under the mountain of worries. “I don’t want to end up like my parents.”