Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 75999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 380(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75999 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 380(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
Or is this me running away from my problems again? A part of me wants to do the old ‘oh, no, I think you’re breaking up’ trick, but it’s time to be brave.
“I think I’m gay, Mom.” My eyes well up despite it being nothing to cry about.
The phone almost drops from her hand, but she manages to keep it upright. “Oh… but I thought you were so in love with Emily.”
I rub my eyes. “I thought so too. At the time. But I can see now that it wasn’t working like it should. I’m sorry.”
“Matt! Don’t say that. There’s nothing to be sorry about. It’s just a lot to process. Did something make you call tonight? What’s going on there?”
“I’m in love with Cassian,” I choke out, and it feels like the most truthful statement of my life.
She sighs and shifts in a way that tells me that were I next to her, she’d be already hugging me. “Oh, honey… I’m so sorry. If it’s any consolation, I also used to have a crush on a close friend. But then I met your dad and everything worked out. I’m sure there’s plenty of men who are also gay at your university.”
This is when it hits me that I’ve been scared to tell her that Cassian has come out to me before I moved. On one hand, it’s Cassian’s secret to tell, but on the other, this is my mom.
“Cass, he… you can’t tell anyone, okay? But he’s gay too. So, I don’t know…” I have to take a massive breath. “Maybe I have a shot with him.”
“Oh, so you haven’t told him,” she says, and her shoulders fall, as if she’s been holding her breath. “I thought you were upset because he… didn’t reciprocate your feelings. But you know Cassian likes you. You’ve been close friends for so long.”
“I think that’s why it’s so hard to tell him. So much hinges on this. And I’ve made mistake after mistake.”
She smiles at me. “I wish I could hug you now. Everyone makes mistakes, Matt. If you feel so strongly about him, you have to face that fear and tell him. I love you no matter what, you know that, right?”
A weight I didn’t even know I’d been carrying falls off my shoulders, and I nod. “I love you too, Mom.”
She smiles, shaking her head. “Didn’t know my children could still surprise me, yet here you are. Now you absolutely need to tell me if anything… develops with Cassian.”
I rub my fingers over my short hair. “I will. Unless he kills me first.”
Chapter 20
This day has already gone haywire, but it is still before midnight, so it decides to smack me in the face again.
The intercom is wrapped in plastic and marked with an out of order sign.
As if my life wasn’t hard enough already!
I look back in hope Levi stayed behind to observe the situation, but he must have already driven off. Since this is a regular Wednesday, and we aren’t on campus, the street is pretty empty.
There’s no one to let me into the building.
With a groan, I glance at the light from the TV flickering in our window. Cass is so close but so far.
I decide not to overthink this, because it’s cold enough out here already, and grab a handful of small decorative pebbles from the nearby patch of trees.
I’m still nervous about facing Cassian, but if an experienced gay man and my own mother tell me to shoot my shot, I’m gonna do it. And then? Whatever happens, happens, but Levi is right. I don’t want to live with regret of not knowing what could have been.
The first rock lands on our neighbor’s balcony. The second hits the downstairs lady’s window. Fuck. I try again, and again, but maybe I shouldn’t have had that beer. Or it’s just my hand being all shaky from the nerves. All I know is that I need Cassian to know my feelings now, and with every tiny rock missing its mark, I’m further from my goal.
Or getting back into my apartment for that matter.
When one person opens the window, another does too.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, asshole?” asks a middle-aged man in pajamas. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him around.
“I forgot my key,” I call out as one of the girls living next door opens her window and looks outside.
“Matt? You’re gonna pay for the glass if you break it!”
“Exactly,” The man agrees. “If you don’t stop throwing those pebbles, I’m gonna deal with it myself!”
Blood rushes to my face, but I have nothing to lose. I’m going to tell Cass everything, even if it puts me in a cell for the night. So I pick up another rock, take a deep breath and tighten my hand around it instead of throwing when a familiar shadow appears in our window.